


Regrets and Sorrys

by seri-kun (vanijane)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, He Gets One But It's Not Enough, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Minor Spoilers for Spider-Man: Homecoming, No One Hugs Him, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark Friendship, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Steve Needs a Hug, Tony Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 18:29:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11469222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanijane/pseuds/seri-kun
Summary: Steve doesn't expect warm hugs or affectionate words for the first several phone calls, he expects hurt and venom, coldness and distance.





	Regrets and Sorrys

**Author's Note:**

> Before you proceed, there will be **minor Spider-Man: Homecoming spoilers**. Nothing of the story will be revealed, except for the last scene with the press conference.  
>    
>  Also I don't usually use this sort of writing style, so it's a bit experimental. But I like the "tone" and "voice" it sets up so I hope it works how it's intended to.

Steve Rogers is hiding. He's been in hiding for a long time that the people, his allies, he dragged with him stopped counting the days. But Steve doesn't stop, he doesn't forget and he keeps counting as he clutches a small flip phone in his hand.

Sometimes, most of the time, he thinks. There's not much to do as a vigilante and there weren't any immediate threats, at least none that would require Captain America and half of the Avengers, former members all of them now. So he thinks and sometimes he thinks too much, emotions surface and he has to watch out not to crush the small phone by accident.

It's his only life line, the only line to someone he isn't sure he regrets leaving or would leave again if he had to go back in time. He doesn't expect a call but sometimes he likes to hope he gets a call, only one number, one person could reach it and he hopes even though he's sure it's a futile hope.

He waits with false hope and thinks with conflicting emotions he tries to control.

He's lost something precious, not one but several, a lot. His best friend couldn't trust his own senses and chose to sleep. His once close but just a hint more than that friend was out of reach for now, forever. Steve thinks he’s lost several birds with one stone but he's glad Bucky is back and safe. He's not happy how everything went down.

He hopes and it gets the better of him. He knows Tony will take some time to warm up to him again. Steve doesn't expect warm hugs or affectionate words for the first several phone calls, he expects hurt and venom, coldness and distance. But he hopes for a call and from clipped sentences and pained silences, he'll work to build what they once shared.

He really shouldn't think of things like those but he has nothing to do and he thinks, he hopes, he wishes. He makes apologies in his head, imagines the first call to the hundredth. He has news to tell, stories to share and he tries to see Tony’s face, tries to hear Tony’s voice. All this free time is making him too soft, softer than normal and desperate by the minute, by the hour to look back and walk back.

Wanda helps him so he doesn't leave. Sam and Clint tells him this is the bed they've made, they lie in it. They keep Steve grounded, stable until he stops counting the days and hoping because they know he's conflicted of everything. He hasn't moved on from a couple months ago, it's eating at him but they can't afford to walk back to their old lives.

They hide, they wait but they watch the news, too. They keep their ear on the ground and they know Tony is working hard to change the accords. Steve knows he's trying to compromise, Tony is Tony and he values loyalty and safety. Tony will work hard so they can return home.

It's not fair to have him do all the work but no one’s told him to do it, either. So they wait and watch Tony help them after they ruined his suit and broke the team.

Steve wants to call but he doesn’t, he's convinced he has to move in Tony’s pace. So he watches, he hopes and he dreams. He plans for his future, their future. He'll work hard and work hard for Tony.

_“Tony Stark has just scheduled a press conference at the new Avengers facility. This will be the first after a month of avoiding the media but we are looking forward to good news in today’s conference.”_

_Tony enters from the back, following Pepper and the camera zooms in on them. Pepper quickly makes her way towards the podium but Tony takes her arm, holds her and she turns to look at him as he kneels down and presents to her a box._

Steve forgets to breathe, he holds it in and stands rigidly in front of the television. He's alone, the others were out and he should've gone with but he rarely pulls his eyes from the news because he needs to know how the others are doing, how Tony is doing.

He forgets Pepper was there, Pepper hasn't been there for Tony for a while now. Has been distant ever since the Chitauri invasion and Steve knows it broke Tony, he knows it intimately because he'd been there to comfort and heal together.

Tony doesn't have many friends but he values the ones he does have and it only occurs to Steve that he's left Tony with no more than a handful of friends. He starts to realize that may be Tony would never call, that all his waiting, his thinking and his hoping was just him taking advantage of Tony. May be. Possibly. Most likely.

Steve doesn't wait for the answer and turns away, clutching the phone in his hand. He wonders if he's done the right thing, he wonders if everything he's done could outweigh all that he's lost. He wonders if leaving Tony trapped in his suit that day was better than not killing him but Steve, he didn't want to kill Tony. Not truly. He couldn't kill Tony, who became his best friend and something more.

But he did. He did kill Tony, their Tony, his Tony.

Steve feels weary, weak and like he was a child again. Scrawny, sickly and fighting, always fighting the good but hopeless fight. But he kept fighting and never lost the hope. He wonders if he can keep fighting for Tony and not lose hope. He doesn't know.

But he knows he'll regret and think of what's he's lost.

* * *

Tony feels he doesn't really deserve the slap and public humiliation. Well, a part of him does but he doesn't care to mind it. He ignores, he forgets but he knows it isn't the end.

“What the hell was that, Tony?” Pepper comes in the room, slamming the door and yelling at him. Tony remembers a time when she didn't raise her voice at him, when she was Miss Potts and he was Mister Stark. Then he became Iron Man and things spiraled way too fast even for him to get a proper hold of.

“Uh, that was me, proposing? The ring didn't give that away?”

“That's not what I meant and you know it.” She snaps and exhales. He remembers she could breathe fire once but he fixed that. “Marriage, Tony? Really? We're through, we've been through for years and I come here as a friend because – because –”

Tony looks at her. She can't say it, won't say it. It annoys him, makes a fire rise inside of him and he can't stop when the words tumble out with the anger.

“Say it, Pepper! C’mon, it's not that hard. Finish it – because Tony Stark doesn't have friends, never have but he was stupid to think he did.”

“Tony…” she loses her fire and Tony doesn't feel any better. She touches his shoulder and he doesn't feel any better. “I came here as a friend because you still have that letter sitting on your desk and that phone in your pocket. You don't want to marry me.”

Tony doesn't freeze up, tries not to, he fails. But he looks at her, schooling the expression on his face. He tries to look serious not nervous and he hopes it works.

“And if it's not there? If there's no more letter, no more phone? Just a ring in my pocket and nothing else?”

“It's still not mine to have. We both know it and we also know that it will always be there until it rings or until you call him.”

“Pep, it's not—I can't. What he did—what I had to—Pep, _please_. We were good together. You made me good, I was better with you.”

Pepper doesn't say anything when she pulls him in and wraps her arms around him. Instantly he feels the warmth, familiar but not soothing enough. It calms him down, lowers his racing heart and clears the buzzing thoughts just a little. It makes the hurt stand out, ugly, painful and red like blood. He holds onto her without realizing it and he lets the hurt fester, he lets it hurt and hurt and hurt.

“I can't make you better this time, Tony. I'm sorry.”

Tony knows but he doesn't tell her to not apologize. He's sorry too but he doesn't say it, doesn't say anything. He's sorry she can't make him better, he's sorry he pushed her away for someone who made him great and pushed _him_ away.

He's sorry he keeps trying and failing and hurting.


End file.
